Monday, September 29, 2008

Hairy Situation

After I had children, taking care of my hair fell to the bottom of my priority list, right along with sleeping and going to the gym. Aside from the occasional curl job, reserved for extra special days, I was content to just throw it into an enormous bun. Some days I didn't even brush it. Then, I decided to chop it all off...well maybe not all of it, just enough to donate to Locks of Love. It was chopping my hair off that inspired me to take better care of it. I was sure that the recipients would be grateful for any hair, but they would probably also appreciate shiny, healthy hair that had been properly cared for.

I had made the decision to become a hair farm.

It's not like growing hair takes any time or effort, so why not grow it for good?
The first time I donated, the salon was kind enough to send it in for me. The second time, the salon was not. If you knew me personally you would know that I find it nearly impossible to make a trip to the post office. Why? I am not sure. All I know is that I am still in possession of a bag of hair that I have been storing in the glove compartment of my van. If you think that sounds creepy, just try and imagine my mechanic's dismay and horror when he found more than what he was looking for in my glove compartment which, incidentally, is also where I store my lug nut key.

Ok, back to my hair care. Saturday, I stumbled upon a couple online articles recommending using a vinegar rinse to achieve shiny hair, and a healthy scalp. "I want shiny hair! I want a healthy scalp!" I grabbed an empty dish soap bottle, filled it with a vinegar solution and headed to the shower, Walmart bag in hand. My plan was to lean over the shower, squirt solution on my hair until it was soaked, then neatly tie a plastic bag around it and let it set for a while. This is what happened:

Within .5 seconds of squirting the solution in my hair, I realized I had made it WAY too strong.

Not wanting to waste any more time, I continued to soak my hair, despite the fact that my nasal passages were being chemically burned by the smell.

After thoroughly soaking my hair, I realize I did not bring a towel with me.

I reach back to grab the Walmart bag, and ATTEMPT to tie it neatly around my head.

I finally manage to cram all my hair in the bag, only to realize I have tied it too tight and think maybe losing circulation to my scalp is not a good thing.

While readjusting the bag, some of the vinegar solution escapes and proceeds to drip in LARGE drops, directly into my eyeballs.

While attempting to extinguish the fire in my eyes, I lose grip of the bag, leaving my vinegar soaked hair free to drip solution down my back and onto the floor.

I manage to collect my hair in the bag, once more, and secure it with a LOOSE knot, leaving enough slack to allow blood flow to my brain.

After about half an hour, I take a shower and think I have washed away the vinegar smell.

A couple hours later, Mr. X arrives home and gives me my "I'm home, I missed you" hug.

"You used vinegar in your hair, didn't you?" -A clear look of disgust on his face.
"I thought I washed it all out! I'm sorry I smell" :(

Once again, an attempted beauty routine has caught my poor husband by surprise, not in a good way.

My hair did come out looking extra shiny, but due to the fact that I am prone to clumsiness, I don't think I will try a vinegar solution again, at least not for my hair.

Some good did come of all this mess. Before I took my shower, I grabbed a brand new conditioner out of the supply closet. It was Pantene Pro-V Beautiful Lengths conditioner, something I normally don't buy, but had because I had a coupon. While in the shower, I just happened to read the label. I thought it was called Beautiful Lengths because it was for long hair. Upon further examination, I realized Beautiful Lengths is also a program sponsored by Pantene Pro-V. A program that collects donated hair and makes wigs for women who have lost their hair to cancer. I am a person who does not believe in coincidence. There was a reason I was standing in a shower, smelling of vinegar, reading a conditioner bottle. Clearly my hair is meant to go to Beautiful Lengths, I'm not sure why, I just know it's what I must do.

Now, if I could just get to the post office my hair's destiny will be fulfilled. Until then I will keep my donation in the house in order to spare anyone else the horror of finding a bag of human hair in my glove box.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Doughnut Shop Style Apple Fritters

*Grocery Cart Challenge Recipe Swap Friday*

This is my very own recipe, that I somehow managed to write down, so I truly hope you enjoy it as much as my family does. :)

*Apple Fritters*

3 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 cup sugar
4 tsp baking powder
5 tbsp melted butter or margarine
1 tsp cinnamon
1/8 tsp nutmeg
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp vanilla
2 eggs-beaten
1 (12 ounce) can evaporated milk
1 tsp lemon juice
1 tbsp flour
2-3 gala apples


1/2 cup (1 stick) melted butter of margarine
2 1/2 cups powdered sugar
1 tsp vanilla
3-5 tbsp hot water

~To make glaze~

Place powdered sugar, melted margarine/butter, and vanilla in medium bowl.

Notice my lovely new whisk?

Whisk until smooth.

Slowly add hot water 1 tablespoon at a time, until your desired consistency is reached.

~To make fritters~

Preheat vegetable oil on medium heat. Make sure you do not fill the frying pan more than halfway. *I really wish I knew the exact temperature, but I do not have a probe.* You will know the oil is the right temperature when you place the dough in and it rises to the top.

Combine flour, sugar, baking powder, salt, cinnamon, and nutmeg in large mixing bowl. Add eggs, melted margarine, vanilla and evaporated milk, stir until fully incorporated.

Notice how extremely neat I am when adding dry ingredients!:)

After peeling and coring, cut apples into small chunks and place in separate bowl. Sprinkle with lemon juice and toss, then sprinkle with 1 tablespoon flour and toss again, making sure to coat all pieces.

Gently fold apples into mixture.

Drop by the large spoonful into hot oil.

Fry until golden brown on each side, turning once. I didn't time this so you'll just have to watch!
Drain off excess oil, then place into shallow baking dish and drizzle with glaze.

Set on cookie rack to cool, and to allow any excess glaze drip to off.


If you have any questions feel free to leave them in the comment box, or you can e-mail me at spouseinthehouse(at)

Thanks for stopping by!

Thursday, September 25, 2008

The Perfect Apple Pie: Recipe Not Included

Since we have been married I have been on a quest, of sorts, to bake Mr. X the perfect apple pie. The pies I have made have always been "good", "wonderful", or "delicious", but never perfect. You see, he prefers more filling than apple. He's quite fond of McDonald's' apple to filling ratio in their "pies", but is not a big fan of their taste.

Tonight, after 7 years, and countless pies, I finally did it, I made his "perfect" apple pie. A large scale McDonald's like version, with more flavor and a crumble top. There is only one problem, I have a very bad habit when it comes to creating recipes...

"Would you like some pie?"
"Oh is it done already? YES PLEASE!"
I serve him a slice and wait, excitedly, for him to take a bite.
Yes! I did it, my 7 year quest has come to a victorious end!
"Seriously, babe, you should enter this in a contest or something. How did you make this? What did you put in it?
"You did it again, didn't you? You FORGOT to write down the recipe."
Oh well, at least I know I'm capable of producing the perfect pie. Just like I am capable of producing the perfect enchiladas, chili, bread, cookies, chocolate cake, yellow cake...the list goes on. Now if I could just remember to write it down!
I AM getting better, since I started blogging and sharing various recipes, from time to time I do make a point to write down what I'm doing. Unfortunately my apple pie was not destined for my blog, which means...I didn't write it down.
On a happy note, Mr. X said he loved my pie so much, he is going to eat it for breakfast....and that is not a compliment I take lightly. :)
But then again, who wouldn't want pie for breakfast? Except, maybe...this boy:

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Dreams Do Come True!

*(In my best Sophia, from The Golden Girls, impression)*
Picture this:
The year was 1980something, the place: somewhere in southern California

A little boy watches Star Wars for the first time, and wants nothing more than to have his very own lightsaber and fight the "Dark Side".

Years later, that same little boy is introduced to video games and wants nothing more than to be able to play them anytime he wants, for however long he wants.

The little boy grows up to be a very handsome man, gets married and has two little boys of his own.

He introduces his sons to Star Wars and video games and, inevitably, they come to have the same hopes and dreams as their father.

September 16th, 2008
Star Wars: The Force Unleashed is released, making fighting the Dark Side with a lightsaber a virtual reality.

September 21st, 2008 the father uses his incredible people skills to get a MASSIVE discount on the Wii game, originally priced at around $50.

He brings the game home and prepares to surprise his son.

"B, let me ask you a question"

"OK, what is it?"

"What's the coolest thing your father has ever done for you?"


"What do you think, B?"

"I don't know, Dad. I'm trying to pick something, there are so many cool things you've done. Like feed me and take care of me, and play with me..."

At this point the father whips the game out from behind his back and presents it to his awe struck son.

"Dad, I can't believe it! It's the new Star Wars game!"

"Now tell me. What's the coolest thing your dad has ever done for you?"

"Dad, this IS cool, but it isn't the coolest thing you've done for me. The coolest thing you've ever done for me is love me."

I tried, DEARLY, not to ruin this magical, manly, video game moment by crying! So I waited until they ran off into the living room to play before I let my eyes fill with tears.
My little one, J, is still a bit too young to effectively play video games, so he was content just to watch Dad and big brother battle it out.
It is now Tuesday....and they are still at it! All I can say is, I will not go into the living room while they are in action, for fear I will be knocked unconscious by a Wii remote lightsaber THE FORCE.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Better Start Slimming Into That Dress!

September is drawing to a close, which means October is upon us, which means November is just over the horizon. Oh, November! The month of turkeys, fabulous fall feasts, family, and......the MARINE CORPS BALL, which means....DRESS SHOPPING! Yes, while everyone else happily plumps up on holiday cookies, cakes, casseroles and whatnots, knowing they can just hide it under a fantastic fall sweater and "resolve" to eat better next year, I am worrying about how in the heck I am going to fit my little big mommy buns into this:

Or this!!

OR...Hmm, do you think anyone would notice if I just wore this? Really, isn't everyone going to be drunk anyway?

Does anyone know a personal trainer that will kick my butt for free? Just for their own sick satisfaction??! Oh well, never hurts to ASK! :)

Alright, I'm going to give it my all! On this day, the 23rd of September 2008, I resolve to work my butt off so I will not have to wear a bathrobe to the ball (even if no one would notice)!

Monday, September 22, 2008

A Penny For Your Thoughts

OK, I can't give you a penny, but I would appreciate your thoughts!

Yesterday, while out doing the weekly shopping, an odd situation arose, directly in front of the egg display.

Mr. X and I were blocking a good half of the eggs with our cart and kids while I opened box after box, looking for a flawless, crack free, 18 pack. Keep in mind that Mr. X was at the helm of our shopping vessel, since he pushes it SO much more quickly and aggressively than I. While I was busy checking eggs, Mr. X was busy speaking with one of his MANY community contacts. I located a perfect pack and tried to move on to the next aisle, but apparently, Mr. X did not notice my absence and continued TALKING. So I come back to the cart and pretend not to care that it is SUNDAY, his only day off, and here he is talking SHOP, while he has the 6 other days of the week to do it, and why the heck doesn't he just get the darn guy's phone number and say he's going to call him later because it's SUNDAY, his only day off and he should really be paying attention to his wife and kids because this last week he spent 2 nights in a hotel on top of his 12-13 hour work day!!!! Anyhow, I'm pretending, he's talking when an employee of the store comes up next to us with a huge palette full of eggs and says "excuse me", very politely, to which I reply "Oh, I'm sorry!" and promptly move myself and my child OUT of the way. Mr. X just stands there, talking. At first I thought he either didn't hear or didn't see the guy, so I grabbed the cart handle and moved it back for him. Mr. X finishes talking, we continue shopping, and I think "that's the end of that".

About 5 minutes later, Mr. X says "I didn't move for a reason. I am the customer, I should not have to move for an employee, they should have to wait for me." Hmm, interesting, he's right, we are the customers. Now him not moving, even though he did hear the employee, makes sense. But, I'm still not sure. What if the employee is on a deadline? What if he'll get fired if he doesn't put the eggs out right now? But, then again...aren't we the customers? Is it appropriate for an employee to ask a customer to move? I'm conflicted.

What do you think?

P.S. I LOVE my husband, (I love you babe!) he is kind and giving, and all sorts of wonderful. We already had an open coversation about this yesterday, so I'm definitely not complaining about him behind his back. Besides, he reads my blog, so I wouldn't be the brightest crayon if I tried to secretly complain about my husband on a blog that he reads daily.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Unbelievably Cute!

Words escape me!

Friday, September 19, 2008

Cinnamon Sugar Swirl Things

*Grocery Cart Challenge Recipe Swap Friday*

What is a cinnamon sugar swirl thing? Well, it tastes VERY similar to a churro, because I originally wanted to MAKE CHURROS! After I realized that I had no star frosting tips (because I had thrown them all out in a fit of rage after an unfortunate frosting incident, and forgotten about it!), I went ahead and decided to just pipe swirly things into the oil so it didn't look like long plain fried dough sticks.

Alright, now that we've gotten the useless details out of the way, here's the recipe. (Which my 7 year old says is "better than candy")

Vegetable oil *for frying*
1 1/4 cup water
1/2 cup margarine
1 1/2 cup all-purpose flour
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 tsp cinnamon
1 tbsp sugar
3 eggs
1/2 cup sugar combined with 3/4 tsp cinnamon(or more if you really like cinnamon)

Preheat oil in large frying pan to 350 or just set on medium heat (Oil should reach no higher than halfway to the top of what ever vessel you have chosen)

Bring water and margarine to boil in medium saucepan

Combine flour, salt, 1 tbsp sugar and 1/4 tsp cinnamon in large mixing bowl

Pour boiling water/margarine into flour mixture and stir (or mix with dough hook) until it pulls away from the sides.

(If you would like to make original churros WITH A LARGE STAR TIP FROSTER you would instead reduce the water/margarine to low and add the flour mixture to the saucepan, stirring until it formed a firm ball)

Beat 3 eggs in separate bowl Then add slowly to dough

It should end up looking like this:

Place dough into a large piping bag (if you do not have a piping bag, snip the tip off of a Ziplock freezer bag and screw on frosting tip *you probably already knew that*)

Pipe directly into hot oil in swirly like motion

When one side has browned, approx 1-2 minutes, turn over, repeat

Place into/onto large plate or baking dish and immediately sprinkle with cinnamon sugar

See more of my recipes here, here, here, and here!
Have questions? Contact me at

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Marshmallow Memories

B: MOM!! J has something in his pants!
Me: J, come here honey, let me see what's in your pants.

J comes running, leaving a trail of miniature marshmallows behind him. Hmmm...either A)he is trying to mark a path because otherwise he will forget where he came from OR B)he's trying to see how many miniature marshmallows he can shove down his pants before B tells on him.

My motherly instincts tell me it's most likely scenario B.

Me: J, marshmallows do not belong in your pants. Marshmallows are for eating.
J: Shawy (sorry) Mommy

I empty his pants of soft sugary white confections and send him on his way. Thankful that I did so BEFORE the marshmallows melted into a thick, sticky sugar glue that I would've had to scrub off with a brillo pad.

Not long after I find marshmallows...

-In my bed, UNDER my sheets. Yes, he put marshmallows on my bed, then covered them with my sheet AND comforter.
-On the bathroom floor (They probably fell out of his pants)
-Shoved into the cockpit of a toy plane
-In my closet
-Under my bed
-And in the boys' bedroom and playroom

I suppose it really is all my fault, I made the mistake of leaving an open bag of miniature delights on the dining room table!

Usually, while I'm helping B with his assignments J plays quietly in the playroom until we are finished or he until he decides he wants to do "pwee-shcool". I suppose today, I should of noticed he was playing a little TOO QUIETLY.

What "sweet" memories I will have of my boys when they are grown and gone. :)

Just for fun, since we ARE talking about marshmallows:

Sleepless Spouse

Monday: badnews o'clock

Me: I love you, I can't wait until you get home so I can serve you a lovingly prepared meal and stare adoringly at you while you consume it.

Mr. X: I love you too, blah...blah...applicant...MEPS...hotel...dinner to go please.

What?! I slaved over a mildly warm crockpot all day, for this? WELL, I never!

Anyhow, Mr. X comes home, picks up his overnight necessities AND to-go dinner, then leaves; dooming me to a night of paranoia induced sleeplessness.

The first part of the evening goes by quickly:

-The kids refuse to eat my crockpot creation because it has "chickenth" and onions in it.
-The kids demand ask for a pizza.
-I make them a pizza because I feel badly that their father works unpredictable hours and feel that somehow making them special dinners will help them to not miss him so much. Then I feel ridiculous and guilty because nothing can replace their father, especially not a pizza, and I should know better. What kind of mother AM I?!
-B asks me why I have not yet made the granola bars that I PROMISED to make.
-I send the kids to bed and tell B that I will make granola bars while he sleeps.
-B asks me not to make granola bars without him since I will "probably forget to put in the peanut butter chips".

The latter half of the evening DID NOT go by quickly:

-I play Dynomite on Yahoo games get some housework done.
-I check on the boys.
-I turn OFF all the lights in the house.
-I turn ON all the lights in the house because, in the event of a break in, I will need to be able to see what I'm shooting at.
-I check on the boys.
-I turn OFF all the lights in the house because, in the event of a break in, my eyes will need to be adjusted to the dark in case I catch them while they are still breaking in, in which case they would be still outside, which is dark.
-I turn ON half of the lights in the house because I just feel better with SOME lights on, and the possibility of someone actually breaking into the house is VERY LOW. Besides, I can always use my shotgun, which only needs to be pointed in the vicinity of my target in order to do major damage.
-I check on the boys.
-At 2:45am I pop in Steel Magnolias and lay down.
-Mr. X calls and tells me HE can't sleep either. For some reason, this makes me feel better.
-I pass out right after Shelby gets her kidney transplant.
-I wake up to the DVD menu. This simply won't do, I need some NOISE.
-I put in Bridget Jones. I have no idea what time it was, I was afraid to look!
-I fall asleep right after Mark "is unforgivably rude" to Bridget at her mother's turkey curry buffet.
-I wake up to the sound of children jumping on their beds.

Despite my very busy night, I was still able to function efficiently the next day.(THANK YOU ZIP FIZZ!!!)

The boys and I made the granola bars WITH peanut butter chips in them. We finished our lessons, AND I prepared a delicious dinner that Mr. X was able to enjoy at HOME.

Don't you just love it when everything falls perfectly into place? :)

Monday, September 15, 2008

Three Months Later

About 3 months back I purchased a Sally Hansen Wax Strip Kit. My hate dislike for plucking my eyebrows was beginning to outweigh my desire for beautifully shaped, non-unibrows and my face was paying the price. Thinking I had finally discovered the answer to my follicle fueled problems, I brought the kit home and anxiously awaited some "free time" to actually use the stuff! Then, one day it happened, Mr. X took B to a neighbor's to play video games and J was happily watching his favorite Thomas DVD, Steamies vs. Diesels (very intense episodes). Yes! This is it! I whipped out my wax kit ready to give myself a quick n' easy eyebrow makeover. Alright, here we go!

Directions, directions...
"Wash area thoroughly to remove any oils": Check

"Rub strip briskly between hands for a few seconds": Done

"Apply the strip smoothly in the same direction that the hair grows. Stroke strip briskly a few times from top to bottom to make sure wax has adhered to the unwanted hair": Applied! Get ready to be history ugly eyebrows!
*This is where I fell into a little bit of trouble. You see, the strips are clear, the wax is clear and it is very difficult to see where a clear sticky substance has been applied to your face, especially if that clear sticky substance is being pressed upon you by a clear plastic strip that makes it look as if the entire area under it is covered in said clear sticky substance.*

"Holding skin taut...pull away quickly in the opposite direction of how you applied it.": Skin is taut, I'm ready for rip off!


Oh NO!


I stood there, staring at the mirror in disbelief. Where there was once an eyebrow, there was now just a small, pathetic looking patch of hair surrounded by throbbing, red, BARE skin. In my hand I held the clear plastic strip, on it was two thirds of my eyebrow. I then proceeded to PANICK. Looking back, panicking was not the best thing to do, since that resulted in me PURPOSEFULLY waxing off two thirds of my other eyebrow, because in my panicked mind that was the only way I wasn't going to "look weird". (I'll let you guess how that stroke of genius turned out.)

What have I done??

What is Mr. X going to say?

I need to fix this, NOW!

I reached for a brown eyeliner and tried my best to draw on some new eyebrows fill in the gaps. Then I called Mr. X.

"Hi, I have a problem!"

"What's the matter, what happened?"

"I was trying to shape my eyebrows and I accidentally waxed half of them off!"

"You what?"

"My eyebrows! They're gone!"

When he arrived home, Mr. X did his best to comfort me:

"You can barely even tell... you filled them in pretty good."


Today, my eyebrows are still a little thin and my faith in home waxing a little shaken. But, I haven't given up! Last week I bought some more wax, only this time, it was signifigantly more visible AND it came with eyebrow protectors. I would tell you how that went, however, I'm just not ready to talk about it yet. I just need a little bit of time...let's say oh, I don't know, three months?

Friday, September 12, 2008

So Insulted!

I was in the kitchen baking chocolate chip cookies for my lovely children, when I overheard this exchange between B and J (who were in the living room):

J: Tranthformerth broke! Mom ficth it!

B: That's your problem, J! You think Mom can fix everything when she can't! You need to understand that there are some things Mom doesn't know. She can't fix a Transformer, she knows nothing about them! Here, give it to me."

J: Bubba ficth it? Mom don't know how?
B: Yes, I'll fix it.

This coming from a child who thinks I can make lasers!? I just couldn't believe it. I do so know about Transformers! Who does he think bought him Optimus Prime, Megatron, Star Scream, and Blackout? I did! Do you know how many different types of Transformer toys there are? I know the difference between Beast Wars Series, Star Wars Series, Animated Series, New Movie Series, and Cybertron Series! I know about the Allspark cube, I know what Cyberkey power is! I dislike Decepticons as much as he does! Now, do I know how to fix them? No I don't, he's right in that respect. But do I know NOTHING about them? I think not!

Chewy Granola Bars

I took this recipe and tweaked it a bit!
~Chewy Chocolate Chip Granola Bars~

3 cups rolled oats*
1 1/2 cups Rice Krispies*
1 cup all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt*
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2/3 cup butter, softened
1/2 cup honey
1/8 cup molasses*
3/4 cup coconut (sweetened and shredded)*
1/3 cup packed brown sugar
1 1/2 cups semisweet chocolate chips*
Preheat oven to 325 f and grease a 9"X13" pan.

Combine all ingredients, except chocolate chips in large mixing bowl. (If using a Kitchen Aid mixer, use the dough hook attachment since it will do the least damage to the rice cereal.)

After everything is well incorporated and moistened stir in the chocolate chips.

PRESS mixture into pan with the back of greased spatula. (Very important step! If you do not press it in you will wind up with crumbly granola cereal!)
Bake at 325 for 18 to 22 minutes.

Let cool for about 20 minutes.

Lay sheet of wax paper over the top of pan and press down on mixture again.

Loosen sides, flip out onto wax paper covered surface.

Cool an additional 30 minutes, or until they are room temperature.

Cut into bars with pizza cutter or greased knife.


Thursday, September 11, 2008

Be Grateful...

...and rest easy, knowing THEY ARE ON YOUR SIDE, AMERICA.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Where's the Tongue?

Despite the fact I vowed not to buy anymore pop-up books until J reached the age of 5, I could not resist buying this book, when I saw it at Costco:

Normally, I try not venture into the center aisles of Costco, since they rarely contain items of necessity. But this particular day, there was a crowd of children and adult males around the book display. There was giggling and snickering, but what really caught my attention were the kids' reactions. What kind of book could be causing such a commotion? I ventured over to see for myself. The first thing that I noticed were the pink tongues hanging out of the covers. Apparently the boys noticed them too. "Mom, can we buy one please? C'mon they have a TONGUE!" "Stop that! Stop touching those tongues! Other people have been touching them, look they are already turning gray!" The tongues were very interesting, they were rubbery and gummy, much like a sticky hand and the texture was strikingly similar to a real tongue. I dug through the pile and, just as I suspected, there at the bottom were a few books with CLEAN pink tongues, still covered in protective plastic. As I opened the book, I came to a realization...this book was AMAZING!! Every single page had a pop-up, fold out, pull tab, or flap. Oh, and did I mention it had a tongue? It covered the ENTIRE process of digestion, and even had digestive mishaps (vomiting) included. "All right, we can get one, but only if you promise to take good care of it."

J's record with pop-up books is less than stellar. Poor Thomas was ripped from underneath his cardboard bridge the day we brought him home, and all of the animals in Noah's pop-up ark have been decapitated. B knew, as well as I did, that if he did not keep this book out of J's hands it would not survive the week. We designated a special place, atop the supply cabinet, to keep the book safe. For several weeks B was very diligent about putting the book away after each reading. J was allowed to LOOK at the book while B read, and occasionally permitted to squish the tongue. Then, one day B did not put the book back. This was the result:

Wait, where's the tongue???
Oh, here it is!

Can you imagine finding this anywhere in your house and not being horrified? (Didn't think so.)

I'm sorry Digesto Boy, I really am. At the time I brought you home, I was not aware things would end like this. Your tongue has been savagely ripped from your mouth, and your intestines are nowhere to be found. Despite these atrocities, I hope you can find forgiveness in your tiny little paper heart. I promise I will locate all your missing organs and tape them back to you with all the care your own mother publisher would. Until then I lay you down to rest, far from reaching distance of the child responsible for this mess... Oh, by the way, here's your tongue back.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Bubble Burster

Monday 3:30pm:

Me: Hi babe, I was just calling to see if you have time to stop by for lunch.

Mr. X: Well actually... I was thinking I would skip lunch and get home around 7.
(as opposed to 9,10, or 11pm!)

WOO HOO! My husband is coming home while the sun is still out!
*I am so excited that I surround myself in a huge bubble of happiness and anticipate his EARLY return.*

Monday 7:10pm:

My bubble is about to burst.

Me: Hi, just calling to see where you are.

Mr. X: Oh, I have some important NEWS to tell you.

Me: What news?

Mr. X: Well...paperwork...blah,blah,blah...some guy...MEPS...appointments...blah, blah...I'M COMING HOME TO PICK UP SOME CLOTHES BECAUSE I HAVE TO SPEND THE NIGHT 3 HOURS AWAY AT A HOTEL.

*POP* So much for my bubble o'happiness!

Me: ..........

Mr. X: Hello? You still there?

Oh well, perhaps it is in everyone's best interest that Mr. X is 3 hours away in a hotel. After all, he is in the last week of "the month" (IF ya knowhaddumean).
Okay, the glass if half full. This is great opportunity that has been afforded to me. I have a whole sleepless night to accomplish something productive. What to do, what to do? Hmmm...I'll have to think about this for awhile, in the meantime I think I'll just watch every single sappy, romantic, non-action movie we own. Bridget, let's see that diary!

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Did You Know..........

...that small children are attracted to the sound of a bathroom door shutting? It's true, but only if it is their mother that is shutting the door. Santa Claus could be in the next room handing out bags of candy and flying ponies, and still, for reasons unknown to any mother that has ever lived, children will be more interested in what mom is doing in the bathroom. As soon as they hear that door close they, literally, come running and proceed to POUND on the door. The pounding coincides with yelling "Mom, mom, MOM, MOM, mom,...MoM, WhAt aRe YoU doing?!!! Are YOU going PEE? MOM,mom, MOM!!! I'm HunGRY! Mom, can I have some COOOOKIES?! MOM, can YOU hear ME?"

Why does this happen? Why weren't they hungry two minutes ago? Nobody knows! Nobody knows why children enjoy pounding on the bathroom door while their mother is inside. All we know is that it happens.
I KNOW it happens to me EVERYDAY. And everyday I remind myself that someday they won't be pounding, someday they won't care if I'm going pee or not, someday they won't ask me for cookies, someday they'll move away. Then I become very sad, and appreciative at the same time. I emerge from the bathroom, so happy that they are here right now, ready to scoop them up into my arms. But, for some other unknown reason, the second I open the door THEY RUN AWAY. I guess I'm only interesting if I'm behind a closed door.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Delicious Dinner Rolls

Last night I made fried chicken and mashed potatoes for dinner. Sounds good right? Well I thought it did, until I realized I had NO bread to serve with it! So I headed on over to recipezaar where I found this recipe for dinner rolls. It calls for super fine sugar, but I just used plain old granulated and they still came out perfect. I also decided to forgo the egg wash and toppings, opting instead to brush the tops with melted butter two minutes prior to removing them from the oven.

These rolls are absolutely delicious! I've tried about 10 different roll recipes and this one, is by far, the best I've made.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

He Gets High on Baby Hugs

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Decision 2008

It's voting time! Before any decisions are made, let's take a look at the candidates one more time:

Candidate Keebler is making some pretty bold statements! Claiming his cookies are "Uncommonly made" and have "Uncommonly good taste". But what does that mean? Is the Keebler camp insinuating that all other cookies are commonly made and have commonly good taste? Keebler needs to keep in mind that statements like these can easily be misconstrued by already confused voters, possibly leaving them with an uncommonly bitter taste in their mouths. Keebler has also not been shy about heading to the airwaves! Keebler's ads lead voter's on a magical journey into the heart of a magical tree, where his cookies are produced by magical elves. With all this magic, one begins to wonder what Keebler may be compensating for. Why has Keebler made it a point to package all his "magical" cookie creations in non-transparent packaging? Sure the packaging is pretty, shiny, and full of promises: "Chocolate in every bite" just for "Chocolate Lovers", there are even bags of chocolate spilling over onto the ground! Voters want to know what's in store for them, they don't want surprises. The fact that Candidate Keebler refuses to let voters even see what his cookies look like raises some serious questions. Voters shouldn't just trust that the pictures printed on the package accurately represent the cookies on the inside.

However, Keebler has done a phenomenal job of marketing his cookies. There are some voters ready to select Keebler cookies, sight unseen, solely on the basis of the eye catching packaging and promises of deliciousness from Keebler himself.

Then there is the Keebler's opponent, simply known as "Mom". Mom has made no secret of her dislike for Keebler and his cookies. She claims that Keebler is bad for the budget, and that his cookies are dry, tasteless, and full of artificiality. Mom is a traditionalist, she uses tried and true recipes and always runs an open and honest kitchen. Voters are encouraged to watch the cookie making process and, if they are particularly well behaved, can even participate. Mom refuses to package her cookies in anything but clear Ziploc bags. Mom claims Ziploc bags seal in the flavor but still allow the cookies inside to be fully visible at ALL times. (No surprises here!) Mom says she does not need fancy packaging, magic elves or promises to push her cookies on voters. She says she'll let the aroma and taste of her cookies speak for itself.

Mom's definitely not as experienced as Keebler when it comes to the cookie business. After all, Keebler has produced billions of cookies, and has been around since well before Mom was even born! Some view Mom's refusal to actively engage in campaigning as "arrogant" and "cocky". Others say it just goes to show that she is confident in her cookies, and trusts voters will make their selection based on how a cookie tastes, not how magical it is purported to be.

So which cookie confectioner will reign supreme in 2008? Will it be Keebler? He's more experienced and can offer "magically" made cookies in bulk! Or will it be Mom? She believes the most important ingredient in cookies is not magic, but love!

Let's go to the polls!!

Is everyone seeing this?! Is everyone seeing the sheer emotion that has been expressed on these ballot slips? One voter was so moved, he seems to of added an illustration of Mom clearly carrying a tray of cookies. The result is clear as day, Mom has won by a landslide! Let's hear what the voters have to say about their decision here today:
B says "I voted for Mom's cookies because they taste better than Keebler. And I like them because they don't have a price and we don't have to buy them and Keebler cookies cost money."
J says "I like big ones! I like big ones!"
There you have it folks, the people have spoken! Mom's cookies are here to stay!
*Disclaimer*: "Mom" was responsible for writing this article, conducting interviews, and gave birth to the voters.

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